I'm only angry on the outside...

Most people could probably understand how it feels that sometimes the weight of the world is upon you. You generally feel mopey and hopeless for a while. Stewwing in your laundry-list of problems.

Whenever this happens to me, I seem to be more aware of God than ever. I look for a sign, any sign, that things are gonna be alright. For instance, this morning I was feeling a bit tired. I was not motivated to get my ass up and start the day and after some real struggle, I did finally.

I cruised on down to 7-11 for smokes, feeling beat-down. At 7-11, It was the same transaction I've had a million time: Kid reluctantly greets me, I say Hi.

I mumble my brand of smokes to kid. Kid sighs and rings up smokes...

Blah,blah,blah.

I get back in the car and wander through my bad thoughts: "Ok, God. Where are ya?" I don't know. After a few blocks, I hang a left and up the big hill I go, heading home. Blah.

I glance out the car window to my right and I see another millionth transaction taking place: An old lady, with her housecoat-ass in the air, pulling weeds. But this time it turned out differently.

For some unknown reason, the handful of weeds the old lady was grasping had worked together and managed to hold onto the ground with the strenght of an anchor rope.

The old lady's tugging became labored and then, without any pomp or circumstance, she simply and gently toppled over onto her head, right into the very weeds she was trying to extract!

"There you are, God!" I said. And I laughed all the way home.

My Father's Day...

To me, everyday is father's day. But it's nice to have that one special day when your kids (and usually your spouse) gives you that special attention. Good dads work hard.

I love that I am blessed by the very fact that I get to be a father. There is no better way that I can think of for me to pass through my life than spending it with my wife and children. It's what I was meant to do.

Most of the things that we have in our lives are replaceable; money, jobs, houses, cars... and we all know too well the things that you can't replace.

I have a daily wish and I suppose it carries over to Father's days as well, maybe more.

I want Time and Memory.

I want time to watch my family grow and branch and thrive. Grandchildren and puppies. Birthdays and weddings. Triumphs and, yes, even failures. New jobs and travel. Early mornings and late nights. Phone call and emails...

I want time to be old. And, regardless of the amount of teeth I will have, I will still smile every day.

And when age collects fog in my eyes, I will count on that smile to still land there and clear my vision, even if it's only in my memory. And I am counting on time and memory to keep those smiles coming because I know that my wife and children will keep me full. And warm. And needed. I tend to forget sometimes that we are not just living our lives, we are living each other's lives too and we are building our histories together.

What more is there? I can't ask for more.

I love you all and hope that your Father's days and all of the days in between are just as you wish them to be.

And for my father: I miss talking to you, but I can still hear your voice.